My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
