I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
