3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
