if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
