Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
