She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
