i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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