True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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