The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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