but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
