i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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