wanna go halves on a baby?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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