Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
