You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
