She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
