I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
