somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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