Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
