I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
