I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
