and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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