I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
