I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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