I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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