i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.