I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
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Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?