My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.