based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks