Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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