Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
