I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
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Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!