he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
