i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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