I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
