if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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