Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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