I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
