: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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