my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
