I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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