His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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