The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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