Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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