I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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