no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
