Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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