suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
