i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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