I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Panties = found
Randomize
