I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
