she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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