Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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