I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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