I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
