are you still at the devil's house?
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
