And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
