well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i love accidental penises.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
