i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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