i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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