Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.