I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?